Yep, Im back here to ramble again; writing stuff on paper then burning it wasnt working anymore, so maybe a more permanent solution is needed.
There's... a bit too much happening atm; Not only am I moving houses because... idk, I guess my mom hates living in this neighborhood?, but I'm also planning for the charity stream thing (which hopefully should still happen), but now Im scared for my own well being because I think my parents are gonna separate, and if that happens, I may not have a place to stay anymore.
I dont think they know that I know, per say, but uh.... they havent been super shy about it either, and by them, I mean my Mom. And a while back, like, 3-5 months ago, date is a bit hazy on my memory, but I clearly remember hearing them talk after I was outside waiting for the school bus (maybe they thought I was already out of listening range?), well, either way, it was something like "[MY NAME] needs to get out", something to that sense, I wasnt able to hear it fully, and the only reason I even caught that was because I heard my name, which they almost never call me by (it's usually just 'son' or similar). Now, I did talk to a good friend of mine, let's call her H, and she gave the idea that maybe they meant it as in, like, going out more, with friends and stuff? And god, I hope H is right, here, because I... really got no other place to live; no other family members live nearby, or if they do, I havent talked to them in literal years, and... while I would say I got a pretty decent friend-base, most of them are... from out of the country, and uh... lets just say I cant afford a passport.... or the trip.... or the stay, so that's out of the question, too.
The worst part? there's probably not gonna be any problem coming their way if they kick me out, since Im already of age, so... no child protection services... hooray. But enough of hearing about my problems, because I guess I'm now forced to listen to my mother's... Honestly, I'd much prefer if they just had a normal fucking divorce and got it done with, sure, I guess I wouldnt have a place to live, but considering how I got no aspirations in life, maybe at least I'd die happy, idk! I'll take *anything* other than having to listen to hear complain on and on about the smallest stuff, it's unbearable; And then she scolds me for being pessimistic, without noticing that its a trait I inherited from her!
Ugh, I promise you, if I hear one more complain about my dad from her I'll literally scream at her the stuff I wrote here. I didnt want it to get this far, but if she doesnt get her attitude checked, I may have to use verbal assault, she leaves me no choice.
You know, sometimes I wonder; I wonder for how long this website will be kept up, and for how long will I keep making those silly drawings. Anyone coming to the website probably noticed that it has become kinda... stagnant. I don;t know ma, it just... feels like art just isn't for me. I've been doing this for... idk, 2-3 years, and Im already out of ideas, much less have I really improved in any sort of way for a while now.
What doesn't help is that this website is so.... boring, right? I mean, you got people making cool websites, that remind you of the early 2000's, with cool artwork, interesting layouts.... but... mine has none of that, I'm simply not skilled enough for that. Most of this website's codebase is... terrible, just like most coding I do, really.
So... yeah, idk, I really dont wanna abandon this place, but like... I got nothing to share, I can't really improve on my own, and nobody's gonna bother with helping. For the website... idk, I'm sure I'll keep it... somewhat updated, you know, with any drawings I do... if I do new drawings, that is.
... you know, maybe that's a good thing. I honestly think that being forgotten isnt that bad, especially when you haven't accomplished anything in life, right? I mean, for me it's better to not be remembered than to be remembered because of something bad; but that's just me, probably
So, as some may tell (or not, idk, I'm no celebrity, I was literally commemorating my website hitting 15k views after a year xP), I've been away from here for a few weeks. You see, I sometimes have a problem where I try to distance myself from my peers because I'm scared doing hard during my bad mood days (it kinda happens on a day-2-day basis). Since my parents are home now because they're on their work break, my life has been... miserable. My parents don't really care much about me, or they do, bnut only to mock and complain, in a way of saying.
Something else that exacer... exar... that complicates this problem is that one of my dear friends simply... disappeared one day. "Oh no-, losing friendships, the horror", Yeah, I know, doesnt sound that bad, but like... in general, losing one of them meant I lost 12,5% of all my friends, and the worst part is... I didnt know why, He just... up and left, no traces, or uh, the traces being his social media, but like... he didnt respond, yk?
Well, for the reason for this place to be updated after so long, you can tell something changed, and well... he came back. Turned out he was doing worse than I was... poor guy, and... well, him and me had the same bad idea: distancing from those who care about us. Yeah, him coming back? improved my mood tenfold. Shown to me it wasn't about me, or even the rest of the small group (forgot to say this earlier, but he didnt respond to anyone else either), and he was somewhat scared of coming back, scared of us judging. Yeah, no we didnt, we had out metaphorical open arms at him.
Yeah, so uh, TLDR: don't distance yourself from those who can help and make you happy, even a bit, it normally bites you in the bottom more. So yeah, that's why I came back, having him back helped me improve a lot, to the point where i wasnt thinking of ending it all, ngl
he friend :3
car my beloved
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Just a warning, this one may include some very heavy topics, so you might want to not read it
So uh... I quit my job last week. It wasn't leading me anywhere, and believe me, Im feeling way better being out of that hell hole, but like... Life isn't gonna be fair now. Not that it was ever fair to begin with, mind you; but now.... well, I wont have any money to my name (besides maybe the very few that I already have saved up). Ugh, for me it isn't a big problem, it's more so... having to hear my parents complain about it. I thought they'd be at my side, especially after I told them how much the company mistreated me, but... all they can think about is money.
They've started to tease me with talks like "Well, sure, but that means you won't have the money necessary to go out with your friends" or "Good luck buying anything now, your 'easy life' is done for" which is just... uncalled for.
Well, I know what you're thinking 'Well skull, why dont ya just get another job?' Well... it ain't that easy. Not only is it not season, me being a minor with no knowledge of... anything useful, it kinda... makes it impossible. Being good at "drawing with a mouse" and "trying to be a good friend" doesn't exactly translate to hiring material...; At most I'd be able to say that im fluent in english... but that has become more of a requirement than a person-seller...
Ugh, and knowing that my situation job-wise isn't gonna get any better doesn't help; I want a job That requires a lot of knowledge and study, but... I'll never be able to enter an university. I come from a low income family, so putting myself in one is gonna be only through state provided exams... which are really competitive, with others from all over the country coming to compete for... idk, 200 places at most? I got no shot...
Im just... tired of living. If living life is just about stufying to make money to maybe afford a house if youre lucky... ugh, well, it isn't w a life worth living. Coming from a third world coutnry as well makes my life considerably more painful; a place where minimum salary isn't enough to live by, to buy food, and a place where our currency gets more and more devalued by the second...
I wish I could leave here... but I can't. Not only because i'm a minor, but also because i got no money to travel, no passport... no nothing. And like... assuming I did leave... what now? it doesnt improve my chances of getting work; If nothing else, it decreases it! So now I'm just here... stuck in a limbo where I wanna just end it because I know I don't have a future...
Struggling with money, barely eating, not socializing.... idk, Google tells me those are signs of depression. There's nothing I can do about it, my parents refuse to take me to a doctor, so... All I can do is.... nothing, Keep breathing I suppose, but even that I dont wanna do...
I dont know why I keep trying to be anywhere/anyone in life, it's against me; Everyone seems so much better off than me, be in it social media, or in life. If they have less than me, they are certainly a lot happier... Why am I not happy ever? Why do I keep typing instead of doing it? Truth is... Im scared of what's beyond. Im not a religious person, but... what if I just end it? Sure, the pain will stop, but like... it'lll generate more pain to others, right? If nothing else, at least it'll hurt my parents pockets having to do an entire funeral, that is if they find the body...
I'll... stop talking now. This is way too much for one day.
On a Discord server I'm on, we got this one channel called "funny-quotes"; a place to put all the random crap we say, that, out of context, sounds funny.
Pretty 'normal' so far, right? Well, they decided to make a little competition on whoever said the funniest thing last year. Now, something to understand is that I've been in the server for... oh, idk, like, 4-5 weeks? That is not enough time to expect anything from, right? While there are a few quotes of mine there, no one would expect someone like me to win.
Yet, here I stand; Crowned the 'Laugh Master'. I absolutely have no idea on what exactly I did, there was a lot of very harsh competition.
Sometimes it feels like they only did it because they know it would make me happy, not because it was funny.
Either way, I have been chosen (by a cat, mind you). As a reward, I got a special role for a few months + a £10 steam gift card... Which I'll probably ask if they can donate the money to some charity, I really don't need it.
I'm writing this from my smartphone, so sorry if it's a bit weirdly written.
I'm currently on my way back from the trip. It was dreadful, as always. I like my grandpa, even though he can get a bit crazy every once in a while, but I simply dislike going to his farm. There's always nothing to do there.
Sure, there are a few animals, but that's kinda it. Even the nearby city has almost nothing of interest. Most stores are clothing stores, which just make it a pain to actually go there for nothing. Not to count the extreme weather that can happen; There's only ever 2 climates: freezing cold or Egg-frying hot.
I'm glad to be back home soon, actually enjoying my free day from work.
To those that celebrate it, happy Christmas; For those that don't, I hope the weekend has served you well, as well as the entire year.
This is Skull, signing out
So, the last one was a bit too.... "hearty", so instead I'm gonna share something slightly more fun: my recipe for some tuna-mayo sandwiches!
This should make around 40-50 sandwiches, depending on how much you put into each one.
The Ingredients:
You'll also need: a spatula, something to mix (like a spoon), a bowl and a colander.
The Preparation:
And there ya go, some nice tuna-mayo sandwiches. It's a simple recipe, and I think that's what makes it so good!
Hey there. It's been an odd 8-10 months, hasn't it? I'm not even sure if the people who this is meant for are even still out there, or if they'll ever see this. This message is meant for those who I played with all that time ago.
I hope life has been doing you well throughout this time. I thought I'd create this post to apologize to everyone because of my past actions. I acted.... uh, terribly, to say the least. I made the only people that still believed in me completely give up, making me a 'lost cause'.
All I want is to apologize since then. I was a pessimist to the highest degree, to the point of almost masochism. My intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings, and I paid that with the highest degree; I wasn't able to talk to almost anyone for 2 months, and I haven't been able to create the courage to make many friendships since then.
I'd like to think I've improved since then. I'm not going to lie to you; I'm still a bit of a pessimist, but at least I try to keep it to myself. Since then, I have gotten a job, and it made me notice that I'm not so useless, or even annoying.
... Also, yeah, looking back, what I said was stupid. Of course online friends are still friends. It's not how you connect; it's why you connect to others, the means don't really matter, as long as it's respectful, something I didn't follow back then.
I know this apology is... like, really late; 8 months late, at least, but I do mean what I mean here. I'm sorry for what I did back then, and while I'm not sure if anyone of you will ever read this, I feel more at peace being able to close this truama of mine, to actually say 'sorry', for once.
This is Skull, signing out.